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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Strong Enough To Love Me


I feel here but not really here. It's almost like I'm watching this figure of a girl that resembles someone I'd like to be. I love who she's become but not who she's becoming. I feel so out of zone. Should I even be in a zone.  Night is day, day is... well, day, hot is cold, cold is hot. Excitement comes once in awhile but it feels rather dull. Happiness feels a little painful. There's an abrupt lack of interest and my reaction time is like a slow play back. I know how I ended up feeling this way but not sure that I can say it was a bad decision. I do believe that I was once physically stronger and much more capable of physically withstanding whatever was in my way. However, I also know, for a fact, that although I may not be as physically capable I am mentally capable. I have been able to keep myself together. I am stronger. Stronger because I am not defeated. My mind is my strongest muscle. The girl I see somehow thought the strength was represented by her physical. But as we sit together to write this, I feel she's come to the realization that this particular moment should be classified as not worth it. After all, if she isn't happy with her, there is nothing up for discussion. I will love myself. I do love myself. 



Thursday, June 19, 2014

AT A DISTANCE

Circumstances have resulted in my husband and I having to make a decision that will require us to be apart. It has also resulted in him with our oldest and me with out two youngest. This entire decision left me feeling pain, anger, anticipation, resentment and even joy somewhere in the mix. The joy came from knowing that the children would have some where to comfortably lay their head. My 13 hour drive helped me sort out some of my emotions. I am being strong for my youngest and middle child. I don't want them to see me break. At times I find myself ready to tear up, but it's from happiness. I am seeing the upside of things. It hurts that I had to remove my little ones from the structure my husband and I try so hard to build. The structure of a loving mother and father in a bonded home. It hurts that my children can't see, hold or touch their dad. But, they are able to hear, speak and see him at least twice a day. The relationship my husband and I have is so extraordinary that this experience will also contribute to teaching our children the real meaning if a loving mother and father. Our bond through out this will also prove to them that it isn't easily broken. Especially for our oldest, his awareness of the constant contact for a simple good morning, afternoon or good night, will allow him to realize that when we care and have love for something, distance doesn't matter. As I'm typing, more relief comes over me. I am so happy that my husband and I share similar passions. Our growing family is so very important to us. Our paths always include " will it benefit us as a whole". The marriage we have is built around love, dedication, loyalty, attraction and truth! Not a single thought of what my husband may do or not do while I am not within miles. No signs of jealousy or fear that our marriage will be broken has formed. And that itself is such a blessing. That is another confirmation, that what we have is so much bigger than anyone can even imagine. There are moments each of us will miss because we aren't physically there. Retelling stories or scenarios will not be the same. Some of the pain won't be easy to explain. Through all of those moments though we will get by. With the love that my husband and I have and the things we have already gone through, we will get through this stronger and smarter. I can't lie and say I can't wait to see the sparkle in his eyes and that melting smile he has when he sees his little man running to him and hears his princess chant "daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy". Nor can I say I don't yearn for the day I can feel his soft, muscular arms wrap around me and tell me "your beautiful my queen". Until that moment I will lay his shirt with us at bed time and call him at breakfast, lunch and dinner. We will follow the promises made in our vows and remain loyal through the shiny, cloudy, rainy and stormy days.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Eventually Someone Will Listen





While I sulk, I realize I always put the best interests of others far ahead of my own. I also realize that even in light of that, no one has taken the time to truly question or understand how I feel.  It's kinda sad actually. Especially when many times I base my movements and decisions on how others may feel before I proceed. I see the obvious at hand and when you reach that boiling point, its not about additives or suggestions on what moves should and shouldn't be, or have been made. It's more about just listening. Understanding that I am also human, with a whole lot of feelings. Feelings that I can't even display or come close to acting on at times because of the composure I have to maintain. It's like I force myself to look sane on the surface but the core is insanely suffering. I know it's normal to hurt. I get it. And I understand it will pass and it almost always heals. I believe that is exactly what keeps me strong, knowing it's all temporary. I have an unexplainable passion for words and putting them into sentences, turning them into stories and uploading them into a pad or blog. Why? The answer is simple. Because even if no one physically cares or shows concern, once the words are put together, someone is bound to read them. They will read if not all then majority of, and at that moment they will listen. Giving me exactly what I want and need. Know that at the beginning of this I felt hurt, frustrated, bothered, sad, unappreciated, 
misunderstood, unsuccessful and trapped. I'm coming close to the end of this post and while a little bit of all those emotions lay within me, I feel better having had someone take the time to listen. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

Happy Anniversary my AFRICAN KING


My sweet love,
Today is our 4 year anniversary. You are still the perfect man to me. We are building together and setting up a powerful foundation for our mini's. Its a beautiful life full of adventures that only you and I know how to make the best of and at times only god knows how he helps us make it through. You have taught me to control my emotions and not stress, so much that I even surprise you at times by being in such peace during chaos. In return I've taught you to better express and verbalize your feeling. We are encouraging and supporting of each other. We are a perfect match. We rarely fight or argue, we have such amazing communication. We are so open to hearing each other out. We are always working together to make things right. Jealousy doesn't exist with us, perhaps because we've build trust over it. You are for me and I am for you. You are the sound to my words and I am the lyrics to you music. I love you more each day and look forward to our amazing, bright successful future together. I love you beyond words! 
Loving you more and more,

Your Queen Ria 


Thursday, March 13, 2014

She, Him, Her, Me

            
If I were her and she were me I wouldn't physically harm him I wouldn't give him the pleasure of still limiting my abilities even after he expired. After spending so much of my life suffering and hurting, I deserve to be free and enjoying my life.  If I were her, I would not fear him. I would finally unleash the inner strength and will power that laid dormant within me for so many years. I would not hate him because I would be so empowered after putting up with him. I would laugh when he tells me I am nothing without him. I wouldn't be there the next time he wanted to raise a hand or threaten me with his pathetic words. I would not hide. I would tell him simply and loud enough for him to hear that I was leaving. I would leave for no one but myself. I would walk and not run. I would leave him with no purpose. If I were her and she were me,  I would make sure to teach her the type of man she should consider. I would explain to her the reasons I decided to stay when I did and the reason I walked away. I would tell her after the first, second and third beating I endoured, I found myself confused and lost.  I would tell her I knew it was wrong but thought it was ok. I would tell her I believe in love but explain that love is more than just words. I would remind her that apologies don't count if they are repeated for the same actions. I would tell her not to feel sorry for me. I made it out alive and in one piece. I would show her i am no longer a victim. I would tell her I passed on to her the ability that I retained. Unfortunately, I am not her and she is not me. I am me and she is her. I have learned from her what she has unconsciously taught me. I live happily ever after and it's because of her, what she did and didn't do. A lot of her lives in me, just imagine if she completely was me....

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

13 New Year's Traditions and Superstitions

I think we all do something special when bringing in the New Year. I made a list of 13 New Year's traditions & superstitions, share some of yours. 



1. 12 grapes at midnight for luck
2. A kiss for a romantic year 
3. Yellow underwear for fortune, success and luck. White underwear for peace. Green underwear for health. Red underwear for a romance. 
4. Fireworks any loud noises to scare off the evil spirits 
5. Walking outside your door with a suitcase for a year filled with voyage 
6. No trash removal, cleaning so the good luck of the new year is not removed
7. Wearing polka dots for prosperity
8. Coins in pockets or wallet for wealth
9. Throwing a pail of water out of the window to get rid of evil spirits
10. What you do or happens on the first day of new year projects how your year will go
11. Wearing new clothes for New Year's Day brings new clothes all year also promotes a new fresh new start
12. First person to come to the home, preferably a man, is the lucky bird and brings luck  
13. Doing laundry or dishes is bad luck and some believe the year will bring death in the family 

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Completely Doing the Load


There are times when tasks feel like they've become too difficult to complete or the load seems too heavy to carry on. I assure you the load is not. The load that was customized for us specifically is neither too heavy nor too light. This is the load we were handed for a reason. There are so many disguised excuses we call reasons that one may say holds us back from completing or even perusing a task. There's a lot going on and while it may seem at times unreal and impossible, we can accomplish. We can make it happen. We are responsible for a numerous of things at a given time, but we are cut out for it. Not everyone can do the things each of us is intended to do. Having a dream and a goal to unleash from our load takes hard work. It's more than just luring it around. We have to work at it. Your load is special. And if another would carry it, then most all value would be drained from it. We need to recognize our tasks and embrace it. Know that it is handed to us for a reason. Who better than you to handle it? It's okay to feel overwhelmed by it all, but just know that you are cut out for it and it can be done. The reward at the end is so much more delightful, but getting the result will take dedication,faith and confidence. Vow to have less excuses and more acceptance.